For the past three years, I’ve been using the New Year holidays to dream and then turn those dreams into a list of goals for the year. This simple process helps me think about the past year, figure out what’s important to me and plan for the year ahead. In the end, it really helps me reach my goals.

The power of this New Year practice comes from one simple idea. All year long, you’re faced with tons of choices: what to do, who to spend time with, what to buy, where to travel, whether to say yes, etc. When you take time to plan your year, it gets easier to spot the ideas and opportunities that really matter to you. Plus, it’s a beautiful way to show love and care for yourself.

At the same time, the search for opportunities to make your dreams come true is mostly a subconscious process. The things on your list start to “happen” to you almost on their own. The work I’m sharing here helps increase the chances that luck will be on your side. So, here’s how I dream and turn those dreams into plans.

The method includes the following steps:

1. Choosing the key areas of your life;
2. Evaluating the current state of those areas;
3. Dreaming;
4. Turning dreams into goals;
5. Supportive actions during the year.

Let’s talk terminology. A dream is a desire with no one responsible, no set timeframe and no clear criteria for making it happen. Goals are desires with someone responsible, a set timeframe and clear criteria for success. A plan is a breakdown of the steps needed to reach the goal.

1. Choosing the key areas of your life

If someone asked you to list 100 dreams, you’d probably slow down around number 20. The brain struggles with abstract tasks, but handles clear ones really well. For example, if you’re asked to come up with 10 dreams related to physical health, then 10 more about friendship and a few in other areas, you’ll reach 100 much faster. To help yourself dream, the first step is to figure out the key areas you want to focus on.

That’s why they say a clearly defined problem is half the solution. Once you know the boundaries and understand what challenge you need to overcome to get the result you want, you’re already halfway there.

To choose the areas you want to dream in, there’s an exercise I recommend doing. Take your time with it and do it thoroughly, it’ll give you a solid foundation for all the work ahead. And if you make it a habit to revisit your dreams each year, you won’t have to redefine your dream areas every time.

Exercise: Imagine you’re 90 years old and getting ready to celebrate your birthday. What country are you in? Who are you preparing for the celebration with? Where are you going to mark the occasion? What’s around you? What kind of place is it? What makes it special? Describe it in detail. What emotions are you feeling? What’s happening the moment you walk in? Are any guests already there, or are they arriving later? Who shows up and in what order? It doesn’t matter if everyone is still alive, maybe someone has passed, but you’d still love them to be there. What’s the atmosphere like? Is there a detail that’s meaningful just to you? Describe it. For example, if you love cycling, maybe there’s a photo from the start of the Tour de France hanging on the wall.

Start of the Tour de France at the Arc de Triomphe in Paris.

And now you’re sitting at the table with your guests. All the people who’ve truly mattered in your life are gathered around you. Picture the table, who’s sitting where? It’s time for the toasts. Who stands up first to speak? Who is this person and what do they say to you? Who goes next? What do they say? What are they grateful for? What do they admire about you? What parts of your life do they highlight? How have you made a difference in their life?

Now, make a list of the people sitting around that table. Go one by one and describe the toasts they give. As you go through this exercise, you’ll start to see a pattern: the things your loved ones mention in their toasts are the parts of life that truly matter to you. These are the areas that align with your values and what you care about most. We’ll use these areas as the foundation for the next steps in working with your dreams. Most people come away from this with about 10 to 15 key life areas.

Here are some example areas that might come up for you: family, work, friends, sports and physical well-being, health, mental health, community involvement, finances, material things, spiritual life, education and personal growth, travel. You can use this list as a starting point for your own work, but I still encourage you to create a personal list. That way, the work you do with your dreams will feel much more meaningful.

2. Evaluating the current state of those areas

Working on any plan starts with mapping out the route. And the most important part of that is figuring out your starting point. The same goes for dreaming within your chosen areas of life, you first need to reflect on where you currently stand in each of them.

Write a few paragraphs about each of your areas. What successes have you had in each one? What steps have you taken to make progress or create positive change? What’s shifted over the past year?

This kind of review can help in a few ways:
A. It gives you a clear sense of what you’ve already accomplished. In some areas, you might be pleasantly surprised by the progress you’ve made. In others, it may become clear that it’s time to grow and give them more attention.
B. It helps define the boundaries of your dream areas. If you started out with general directions, now, by listing real examples, you’ll narrow the focus of each one. Some areas might overlap and that’s totally okay. You’ll just get a better sense of where those overlaps happen.
C. As you go through this process, new dreams will likely start to pop up, ones you hadn’t even thought of before.

After you’ve described each area, give it a score from 1 to 10, where 10 means you feel completely satisfied. If you’ve taken your time with the first step, the areas you’ve chosen should align with your core values. That means they’ll likely stay meaningful to you for years to come. These scores will help you track your progress over time and see how things shift from year to year. They’ll also make it easier to spot which areas might deserve more attention in the year ahead.

3. Dreaming

This is one of the most exciting parts of the process. The best way to approach it is by using a mind-mapping tool. If you’re on a Mac, I recommend MindNode, but there are plenty of free browser-based options. Of course, a good old sheet of paper and a pen works just as well. In fact, some people find that format even more comfortable.

A mind map lets you keep all your key areas in focus, while also making it easy to jump between them. As you brainstorm dreams in one area, an idea for another might pop up out of nowhere. For each area, I usually end up with from 5 to 20 dreams.

This part of the process is all about turning off your inner critic. Write down any idea that comes to mind. What matters is that you’re dreaming about what you truly want, without worrying about the resources it might take or how long it might take to get there.

What helped me with this step was breaking it up into a few sessions. It’s easier to get into a creative, relaxed flow that way. Next year, you won’t be starting from scratch as you’ll already have the dream map you made this year, which will make it easier to get into the right mindset.

One of my filled-out dream maps

Some time ago, I was really curious about one question: «How do you tell the difference between dreams that are truly yours and those that are shaped by culture or society?». Here’s the answer I came to – if a dream isn’t really yours, you simply won’t have the energy to follow through on it. For whatever reason, you’re choosing not to see what’s underneath it right now. And that’s okay. It’s still something that gives you direction and keeps you moving forward.—)

When a dream isn’t really yours, here’s what usually happens: you focus on it, maybe even set goals around it, but a year later, you realize you haven’t made any real progress. I call those “expired dreams.”

When you look at some of your dreams a year later, you might feel nothing, just delete them. But others might suddenly resonate even more than before. That’s when it’s important to pay attention to how you feel.

4. Turning dreams into goals

One way or another, you’re going to spend your time on something throughout the year. If you don’t have a plan, a lot of your actions will likely be spontaneous or impulsive. And that’s okay, choosing not to focus on your dreams and simply responding to whatever opportunities come your way is still a valid path. It just leads to different results. Whatever you end up with at the end of the year – that’s your true goal, whether you planned for it or not.

Out of all the dreams in each area, some will naturally resonate more than others. A year has its limits, you can’t chase everything at once. That’s why it’s important to choose a few dreams to turn into actual goals for the year. In my dream map, I bold the ones I want to focus on. Then I make a separate list with just those selected goals. I transfer that list into my planning app Things 3, which I also use for daily planning. You can use any planning tool that works for you or just write the list on paper.

Next, take the goals you’ve chosen in each area and assign them a priority. I use a simple star system: ★★★ for something that’s absolutely essential to achieve or at least make serious progress on this year, ★★ for something I’d really like to get done, and ★ for something that would be nice to accomplish if there’s time.

In the end, you’re left with the most important goals for the year

Some goals can be achieved within a year. Others feel big and overwhelming, you’re not even sure where to start. If a goal feels too big, break it down into smaller steps and make a plan. And if you’re not sure what those steps should be, write out a few hypotheses that might help you move closer to it. Try them out and see what works.

The trick is to keep your focus on the big dream, not just the steps in the plan. Working through the steps might not always be exciting. But when you stay connected to where those steps are taking you, you’re much more likely to find the energy to follow through.

Chances are, one area or dream will stand out as especially important to you this year. Turn it into your mission for the year, and place it at the top of your goals list. That way, every time you check in with your list, your mission will be right there keeping your focus on what matters most.

If you’ve made it to this part of the process, you’ve already done the most important work. Here’s the core idea: every year gives you the opportunity to either move closer to your dreams or drift further away. By bringing your dreams into conscious focus, you’re far more likely to recognize the path that can lead you to them.

For some dreams, it’s not always easy to define what it means to “complete” them. For example, what does it really mean to learn English or become an athlete? One approach is to set measurable goals for the year, something that defines what “done” looks like. But there’s also a helpful trick: shift into “doing mode”. That means making a deal with yourself to work on the dream regularly. For example, studying English twice a week for an hour or going jogging every Saturday.

It’s easy to slip into the mindset of “I’m not okay until I achieve this one thing” and end up putting your life on hold until some made-up condition is met. To avoid that trap, Scott Adams suggests this idea in «How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life» : Goals are for losers – focus on systems. For example, instead of telling yourself you’ll be an athlete after you hit some milestone, just decide: Starting today, I’m an athlete. And athletes live active lives consistently. This way, you start living the identity right away, without needing to prove anything first. You don’t need to run a marathon to call yourself an athlete. (By the way, the book itself is pretty mediocre, you’re not missing much if you skip it.)

5. Supportive actions during the year.

Once a month, create a recurring event in your calendar to open up your yearly goals and review them. Once a quarter, take some time to reflect on the past three months. Note what you’ve already accomplished and what might need to become a priority for the next three.

A friend of mine also shared that he uses Miro to create a visual representation of his goals. He builds a board filled with images that reflect his plans for the year and revisits it regularly during the year.

I also use a phone app called 365 Dots. You can add it to your dashboard, it’s a beautiful visual that shows how much of the year has already passed.

365 Dots app interface

Conclusion:
This process usually takes me about five days during the New Year holidays (not full days, of course). There’s no need to rush, enjoy the process. Think of it as an act of care and self-love. Take time to acknowledge everything you’ve achieved over the past year and let yourself dream freely and wholeheartedly!

A year ago we bought tickets to see Tony Robbins in Birmingham, England, for his four-day event UPW. Because of the pandemic, it got rescheduled and moved online, running from October 22-25. R. from Skolkovo had recommended it. Personally, I was just curious to see a well-produced show. A lot of people poke fun at events like this, but I wanted to form my own opinion. There were 11000 people joining in at the same time. I set up my own little venue in our living room with a projector.

Cool

1. Each day the event started at 10 am and wrapped up around midnight. About 40% of it was either dancing or physical exercises, which actually helped a lot with staying focused and taking in the info. I ended up keeping a few of those exercises for myself.
2. Several times a day, you’d get automatically put into small breakout groups of four to work together. Someone might be crying, someone else is super excited, telling you their story. There’s also a lot of solo work, you’re constantly answering speaker’s questions. That kind of interactivity really helps lock in the material and builds a sense of trust.
3. Most of the messages are super simple stuff like “drink plenty of water.” But the way they stick with you isn’t through logic, it’s through emotion.
4. A great point was that you can tell a lot about a person just by the questions they ask even without knowing what they’re talking about. Different people will ask completely different questions in the exact same situation. The questions themselves reveal something fundamental about each person.
5. “I am not enough” turns out to be a globally popular feeling, it’s in the top two. The other big one – “I will not be loved”. Whew.
6. Focus, Clarity and Commitment and then MASSIVE ACTION. Think about how you felt when things were going well, probably confident, right? So why choose to feel any different when you’re starting something new?
7. What if true success isn’t about doing something no one else has done, but about imagining something and then seeing it come to life? What mindset shapes the way you define success?
8. On day three, Tony asks you to close your eyes and feel the insecurity, the disappointment, the sense that your dreams never came true. Then, with 11000 other people, you let out a scream of pure grief. It sounds like something straight out of hell. And then, in total contrast, you rise up confident, grounded and feel what it’s like when your dreams become real, tangible goals that are actually coming true. Then you scream again, this time like one of the 300 Spartans, fierce and unstoppable.

Weak

1. There’s not a lot of meaningful content in terms of actual ideas. It’s mostly emotional hype. MASSIVE NLP.
2. 40% dancing or physical exercises. I was trying to get my money’s worth, but it was too much.
3. At the end of each day, there was a full hour of pitching other courses, all wrapped in the “You wouldn’t go to the gym once and expect to get in shape”
4. On the last day they were selling a “3 for the price of 1” deal for the in-person event in Birmingham, set for June 2021. And the very next day an email saying it would be online because of COVID. Classic. Curtain drop!

Quotes and tools:

1. Where focus goes energy flows. Example: if you’re driving a sports car at high speed and thinking, “Don’t hit the wall,” your eyes go straight to the wall and that’s exactly where you end up. The key is to keep your eyes on where you actually want to go. Focus on your fears and you’re almost guaranteed to crash. Focus on your destination and you’ve got a real shot;
2. Resourcefulness is more important than resources;
3. Potential → Action → Results → Belief/Creativity → back to Potential;
4. Leaders are paid to make tough decisions. Everyone can make easy decisions.
5. Some people freeze to death in winter, while others go skiing and warm up by the fireplace.
6. Here’s a quick stress-relief exercise: put both hands on your chest and close your eyes. Think of three happy moments from your life. Once you feel them, stack your hands and listen to your heartbeat. Now, reach out and imagine holding a moment you’re proud of. Place it into your heart. Do the same with a future moment that inspires you and place that in your heart too.
7. Working with fear. Act it out like a scene: when fear is holding your hand and you try to pull away, it pulls back. It keeps you stuck. But if you move toward the fear, it’s fear that gets tired first. You can even follow it, pick up speed and then redirect that energy wherever you need it to go.

Conclusion:
On the last day of the training I felt like it was a 3 out of 10. But the next day I realized I was in a really strong, resourceful state. Motivational trainings like this can actually be useful tools, especially in moments when you need to make a tough decision. It’s a lot easier to do that when you’re in a good state. There are many ways to work with your energy, but the intensity of events like this helps you hit a true peak state.

As an online event, I wouldn’t recommend it. As an offline experience maybe, more like a show. But honestly, you’re better off checking out “Context” by Vladimir Gerasichev. It’s not just about boosting your state, the techniques are more structured and actually useful long-term. I’ve written about it before.

Here’s how I see the whole change process. What it really takes to build new habits. What gets in the way and makes them hard to stick. Why emotions play such a big role. And who can help you change.

People don’t do what’s best for them, they do what they’re used to

Most of the time people react to things on autopilot. They just go with whatever feels most familiar. And if you ask someone why they did something, their answer will usually be automatic too. You’ll get a made-up logical explanation, something that sounds reasonable and makes sense. That’s the brain kicking in with a justification or a “safe” explanation.

The brain’s job is basically to come up with a logical answer. To keep you doing what you’ve always done and stop you from trying anything new. The brain believes one thing above all: “New equals risky. If I stick to what I’ve done before, I’ll survive.”

The foundation of real change is an “uncomfortable ” explanation of your behavior.

Any event can be explained in two ways: the “safe” or “uncomfortable ” one. If someone reacts automatically, the brain will jump in and explain why what they did was actually the best thing for them. That kind of explanation is what I call a “safe” explanation.

That kind of explanation justifies the automatic reaction. And here’s the trap, you think it was your own choice. But really, it was just your autopilot kicking in again. The brain goes, “You did everything right. That wasn’t automatic, that was thoughtful, intentional, totally your decision. What you did fits who you are. Even if you had more time to think it through, you’d still choose the exact same thing.”

To start becoming more self-aware, you’ve got to look for the uncomfortable explanation of your behavior. That means asking: why might the way I acted not be the best for me? Don’t just go with the first answer your brain gives you. Of course the “safe” explanation feels better, it says you did the right thing, made a smart choice and did what’s best for you. That kind of thinking saves energy, because then you don’t need to change anything. And your brain avoids the risk of trying something new.

The uncomfortable explanation does the opposite, it makes you slow down, think and reflect. What if your automatic reaction isn’t actually helpful, but harmful? The truth is, when we first formed those reactions, we didn’t really have time to consciously choose from all the options. We just went with whatever came up first. And there it became a habit.

Just because you learn to see the uncomfortable explanation doesn’t mean it’s the only true one. But it gives you something important – a choice. You get a moment where you can consciously decide whether to keep your reaction or change it.

Examples of “safe” and “uncomfortable ” behavior:

The first example.
I’ve hired several people for lead roles at our company. A few of those hires didn’t work out, we ended up parting ways after just a couple of months.

“safe” explanation: It’s better to promote people who’ve already been with the company for a while. I trust them more and they already understand how things work internally.

“uncomfortable ” explanation: I’m afraid someone in the company might be more experienced than me. I avoid competition, so I end up pushing away strong candidates on purpose.

The second example.
A. dreams of launching a finance project in the US market. But instead, he’s been living in Moscow and working at a big consulting firm for the past seven years.

“safe” explanation: to take a risk and start something in the US, I need to build up some capital first, A. says. Plus, he’s climbing the career ladder and a partnership at his firm is already on the horizon.

Noticing the real reasons behind your usual behavior can be uncomfortable. Especially when you’ve spent years justifying your choices to yourself and others with “safe” explanations.

“uncomfortable ” explanation: A. is afraid to take responsibility for something new. He’s worried he might fail. Deep down, he’s not even sure he really wants it. His current situation is convenient, no need to risk anything or take real ownership. He can keep telling people he’s a future entrepreneur, not just another corporate guy. He gets to scroll through TechCrunch, share fintech news with coworkers and look like he’s “in the game” without actually doing anything.

The third example:
During his wife’s pregnancy, F. realized he didn’t love her and decided to leave the family. F. believes that society puts too much pressure on the idea of family.

“safe” explanation: F. expected his wife to keep growing professionally during her pregnancy. He wanted her to stay curious and passionate about things the same way he is. She didn’t really engage in conversations about his work or laugh at his jokes, that created distance between them.

“uncomfortable ” explanation: F. isn’t that interested in his own work. So when he tried to share his thoughts about it, his wife didn’t respond the way he hoped, not because she didn’t care, but because he couldn’t express it in a way that sparked real connection. On top of that, he was scared of the responsibility of becoming a father. So he started focusing on everything that was “wrong” in the relationship as a way to justify leaving.

Why do people change at all?

For real change to happen, a person has to see where their habits are actually taking them long-term. **They have to realize that if they don’t shift that trend, it’s it’s a dead end. Literally. They’ll live less and feel less alive.

The same mechanism that once helped a person survive is what keeps them from seeing their own trend. The same mechanism that once helped a person survive is what keeps them from seeing their own trend. It’s the thing that helps us form habits and protects us from trying new, risky reactions. But it also blocks us from seeing where those habits are really taking us over time. It’s the thing that helps us form habits and protects us from trying new, risky reactions. But it also blocks us from seeing where those habits are really taking us over time.

As we go through life, we actually get signals telling us it’s time to shift the trend. Some are emotional signals like loneliness, apathy, low moods that won’t go away, anger or a deep sense of emptiness. Others come from the outside, struggling to build real connections with family or friends, failed projects, hobbies that just don’t bring joy anymore. If someone ignores these signals for too long, the body can start speaking up too, like back pain from carrying too much responsibility. The signals show up through people around you: family, friends, partners, and through the simple fact that things just aren’t working.

A – a shorter, less fulfilling life. B – what’s possible if you manage to catch the trend early.

Noticing the trend is uncomfortable, especially if you’ve spent years justifying your behavior to yourself and others with “safe” explanations. Admitting there’s an uncomfortable reason behind it means facing the fact that you haven’t been living in the best way. And once you admit that, you’re faced with the need to change. That’s scary. It takes a lot of energy and real courage to actually start changing.

The uncomfortable explanation usually comes from people who actually care about you, like family, close friends or a therapist. A therapist is often the better option in these conversations because they don’t have hidden agendas, unlike loved ones, whose personal motives you also have to consider. People outside your inner circle usually won’t give you that kind of feedback, it’s risky. They know it could lead to pushback, anger, defensiveness or even hostility.

To notice your own trend and change, you need three things:

1. The ability to give uncomfortable explanation for your behavior;
2. The skill to recognize your own emotions;
3. And the courage to take actions.

Being able to recognize your emotions helps you figure out what kind of life really works for you. Emotions come from the unconscious. And the unconscious has two parts: your personal one, shaped by your own experience, and the collective one, shaped by everything past generations went through. Those before us already learned what kind of life helps us survive. Your personal unconscious carries a deep need for love. So at the core, we’re all driven by two things: the need to stay alive and the need to be loved. That’s why therapists often ask people to focus on their feelings as emotions help you find your way through life.

Courage is what helps you actually integrate the experience. You often hear people say, “I get it, but I still can’t do anything about it.” That’s because there’s a gap between understanding and integration and to close it, you need new experiences. You have to start acting differently. Only then can the brain see that there are other possible outcomes besides the automatic reaction it’s used to. To do that, you need to go through three steps:

Step one is when the brain understands. At this stage, you’ve heard enough uncomfortable explanations to see your old patterns clearly.

Step two is when the brain starts to believe. To believe, it needs new experience, you have to act differently and break out of your usual habits.

Step three is when the brain integrates it. Now it starts creating new explanations, why the new way is actually better than the old one.

Conclusion
Most of what we do in life is just automatic reactions. The brain sticks to what’s familiar and backs it up with “safe” explanations to keep us from changing. Most of the time, people don’t do what’s best for them, they do what they’re used to. Real change only happens when a person realizes that if they don’t change, it’s a dead end.

To change, you need three things:

1. The ability to see the uncomfortable truth behind your behavior;
2. The skill to understand your own emotions;
3. The courage to integrate new experiences.

How do people share responsibility?

Responsibility, whether at work or in personal relationships is always split the same way: 100% on one side and 100% on the other. When you’re working toward a goal together, it’s not about shifting the responsibility onto someone else. It’s about agreeing on how to build a system that will help you reach that goal.

The moment someone says, “I’m 99% responsible,” they’re already starting to give up control over the outcome. And if things don’t go well, it’s easy to just blame the other person. That’s how you slip into a victim mindset. And once you’re there, it’s hard to learn or figure out how to actually get things done.

Focus on the system, not on who’s to blame

— Okay, but if I’m not blaming anyone and taking full responsibility, how am I supposed to get things done? I can’t do everything by myself.

When you discussed the task as a team, you were actually building a system together, figuring out how you’d work to reach the goal. So if the result doesn’t happen, the only thing worth focusing on is how to improve that system. What needs fixing to make it work? The key question isn’t “Who’s to blame?” but “How do we improve the system to get the result?”

In all of this, we’re assuming the people you work or build relationships with actually want to get things done. But if they don’t, even then, it’s on you. You’re the one who chose to work with them. That’s 100% your responsibility. And chances are, there’s something in it for you, some reason you picked that person or keep acting in a way that stops you from getting the result.

When I started Biz-cen.ru, I was responsible for pretty much everything. And when the first team members joined, I was sure they’d mess things up, make mistakes, miss the mark, maybe even ruin our chances. But the truth is, that mistrust wasn’t about protecting the business. It came from my need to control everything and feel important. Whenever someone on the team got something wrong, I’d jump in and tell them they were doing it wrong. But people don’t like feeling blamed and pretty quickly, our conversations would turn into blame-and-defend mode.

It took me a while, but I finally realized there’s no point in blaming anyone. What actually helps is getting the team together and figuring out how to improve the system so we can do better tomorrow than we did today. That simple shift really worked. First, it made it clear who actually fits the team and shares our values. And second, people started to feel like they mattered, because they had the power to make a difference. When you give people space to make decisions, you give them a chance to show what they care about.

How do you get things done?

People differ in how they solve problems. And there are two key traits that define your approach: first, taking responsibility; second, the ability to build systems. That means setting up parallel processes that not only help you solve the problem faster but also keep it from coming back in the same way later.

Let’s use a simple example: you’re in a village and your cousin’s house catches fire while he’s away. What you do next shows a lot about how you deal with problems and if this were at work, it would say a lot about your professionalism. There are five levels of how you can handle a situation like this.

Level one. You see the house on fire and just start running around yelling, “Ahhh! Fire! We need to do something!”

Level two. You grab a couple of buckets, run to the pond and start hauling water back and forth, hoping you can put out the fire.

Level three. You call Nick and Mike from the next house over. You tell them what to bring, where the pond is and what they need to do.

Level four. You tell your younger son to run and call everyone from the neighboring houses. Once they show up, you organize a bucket line from the pond to the burning house. Fire’s out.

Level five. Same as level four, but you also figure out the fire started because of old wiring. You call an electrician to fix it and while they’re there, you ask him to ground the roof antennas too.

At level five, you took full responsibility for getting results. But you didn’t do it all alone, you got others involved and set up parallel processes that kept things moving without needing your constant attention. And in the end, you made sure the same problem wouldn’t happen again. What level of fire-fighting skills do you want the people on your team to have?

Takeaways:

1. Responsibility is split like this: 100% on you and 100% on the other side;
2. Don’t look for someone to blame, build systems that work better tomorrow than they did today;
3. To solve problems at level five: set up parallel processes and build systems that keep the problem from coming back.

What a person believes in is real

Since each of us has our own story, we all live in different realities. Reality is how a person interprets everything that happens in their life, what they find daily proof of and choose to believe is true. Interpretation is how we explain the reasons behind our actions.

People can interpret the exact same event in completely different ways and they can all be right. So when someone says, “Let’s look at the facts realistically,” they’re being manipulative. What they’re really doing is trying to convince you that their version of reality is more real than yours.

We had a moment in a therapy group with two business partners O. and K. The group had just started and O. was running late. K. decided to share that things at their company were a mess: employees were quitting, clients weren’t paying, and the business was about to shut down. Right then, O. walked in. He cut in and shared his view of things: they were updating the team, which was a good thing, new people mean fresh ideas. Yes, clients owed them money, but the company was still going, which meant they’d have a lot of cash soon when payments came in. Overall, things were going well.

O. and K. were both right. They just had different realities. A person’s reality is shaped by what they believe. And behind every belief, there’s a set of core convictions or things they rely on.

The ultimate expression of a person’s belief is their actions

How you spend your free time, whether it’s at work, at the gym or with your family. How you do or don’t build friendships. Where you choose to spend your time, energy and money. All of that is the truest expression of what you really believe in All of that is the truest expression of what you really believe in and what actually matters to you.

People often come up with different ways to interpret the same events. But what someone does consistently says a lot more about what they believe and the reality they live in.

For example, T. thought he was a good friend. He made friends easily and joined group hobbies, but he always ended up in a big fight and cut ties. After that, he’d start looking for new ones. For T., friendship wasn’t really about connection. What mattered most was proving his belief that people can’t be trusted and that long-term relationships don’t work. Friendship was just a way to confirm that belief.

What we believe isn’t always easy to notice. Our habits and environment feel normal because we’ve lived with them for so long. Like fish don’t notice the water, we don’t notice our automatic reactions. Some examples: staying in a relationship just to keep proving that people can’t be trusted, or working at a job that makes you believe work-life balance isn’t possible.

The best way to grow is by taking responsibility

Who we are is like bad breath. We might want to connect with others, but they keep their distance. And we don’t understand why, because we don’t even realize the bad smell is there.

To really see your beliefs and yourself, you need an outside perspective. But not just any perspective, it has to be a trained one, someone who can see more than just your actions. They can spot the cause-and-effect behind what you do. This kind of observer can help you notice the patterns in your behavior, the ones that keep bringing your life back to the same familiar place.

The person you talk to should help you stay out of a victim mindset where you blame other people or outside things for what’s going on in your life. It’s easy to fall into that trap. If it’s someone else’s fault, then you don’t have to do anything to change it.

That’s why you can take a universal approach to life, believing that you’re responsible for everything that happens. And by everything, that means truly everything: the past, the present and the future.

For example:
You’re responsible for the past, like the fact that World War II happened. Your responsibility is to know history and make sure it never happens again.
You’re responsible for the present, like when you threw out your back. Maybe you created that situation so you could finally rest and take a few days off work. A more active approach would be to start listening to yourself sooner, so your body doesn’t have to force you to slow down in the only way it can.

The best part of this mindset is that it puts you in the present. If you accept that you’re the reason things happen, then you can change them. If you can change them, you have a reason to act. And when you act with awareness, that’s what it means to truly live.

The role of nature and the brain in changing belief

You have your past experience and it tells you that the way you’ve been doing things keeps you alive. You’re still here, so your old way must have worked. But change is unknown. It’s risky. It means stepping into something new and that can feel scary and unsafe.

Change takes energy and energy is limited. Changing a habit takes even more. One of the brain’s jobs is to explain why you shouldn’t change your belief, so it can save that energy. Any situation can be seen in terms of pros and cons:
A boy got into a fight. Pro – he’s brave. Con – he doesn’t know how to solve problems with words.
A king took a city by tricking the enemy. Con – he didn’t prove himself in battle. Pro – he saved the lives of soldiers on both sides.

Since every situation has two sides, the brain can easily come up with explanations that keep your beliefs intact and logically justify why you shouldn’t change anything. That’s why people often say, “Just do it”, so your brain doesn’t get a chance to make excuses to keep things the same. The brain isn’t always a good partner when you want to change. You can’t fully trust it, it’s wired to protect your status quo.

Takeaways:

1. The reality you live in comes from what you believe.
2. You can understand what someone believes by looking at their actions and the results.
3. Take responsibility to grow.
4. The brain fights change, don’t trust it.